Tis Valentine’s Day, a holiday for lovers to wish they weren’t obligated to buy expensive gifts, and for loners to wish they had someone to buy expensive gifts for. Such is love, and such is being lorn in love. Either one makes us do the crazy.
Speaking of nuts, here is the eternal heartthrob of this year’s Lovelorn Limerick Contest: a tale of adventure (or an adventure for tail) from the mind of Missy Mason:
Jerome really wanted a mate.
So he placed an ad online for a date.
A “member” picture was needed.
He dropped his pants and conceded.
After that his subscription was changed to half-rate!
This woman be multi-talented. (Isn’t “multi-talented” what most folks *really* want for Valentine’s Day?) She crochets. She paints. She’s got the hookup on essential oils. And, apparently, she writes erotic poetry. Congratulations, Missy!
Of course, the runner-ups in love are just the last to go home heartbroken. But at least the honorable unmentionables this time get to go home together and console one another, as both sprang from the pen of poet (and self-proclaimed raving insomniac, lesbian fiction author, and crazy person) Kat Wheeler!
Honorable Unmentionable for Actually Sounding Romantic in an Inherently Dirty Art Form:
If you like long walks on the beach…
and your skin is soft as a peach..
then we might linger
o’er a lip or a finger
and all your dreams are within reach
Honorable Unmentionable for I-Bet-Someone’s-Happy-He-Remains-Nameless:
I once knew a man covered in hair…
from his head all the way down to there
and though it was flaxen,
I told him get to waxin
and now the poor guy’s baby butt bare!
Happy chocolate and teddy bears and sex day, everyone! May those treats combine for you in whatever ways suit your fancies.
(Featured image copyright smlp.co.uk on Flickr via a Creative Commons Attribution Licence.)