Voting Tool

With fourteen months to go until the next presidential election, we are finally more than halfway through the campaign season. Hallelujah! However, the ticking clock means that, as a Responsible Citizenry, we must begin to pay attention to the serious issues as reported to us by seriously WAY too many campaign emails.

But even the most effective spam filter can’t keep up with all the opinions we’re supposed to take seriously. So to make your voting decisions straightforward, accessible, and mindless, I hereby offer “Hot Takes” on how you should feel about pressing campaign issues.


“Biff” says he wants a college education. But “Biff” hears that student loan debt in this country has reached $1.2 trillion. This number is due in part to the rising cost of a successfully corporatized college education, and in another part to the federal government loaning students their tuition money at rates comparable to those of any respectable shark. Some candidates want to lower these interest rates. Some want college to be free, as if college is a natural extension of a free high school education.

coinsHOT TAKE: If my Greek serves, this great land is founded on E pluribus unum—in other words, you need money to make money. So if “Biff” cannot even afford college on his own at the adult age of almost eighteen, then he should not expect a profitable career after college.

Plus, we live in a democracy that politely requests our participation with the simple act of voting. Yet all throughout childhood, “Biff” did not vote a single time in any federal election. “Biff” can’t expect money for nothing. That’s not how politics works.

Way to go, “Biff.” Speaking of money for nothing…


“Lakshmi” recently discovered that she makes less money per hour than her male counterparts, although she believes she works equally effectively. “Lakshmi” thinks she deserves pay commensurate with her skill set, and some serious presidential candidates agree with her.

HOT TAKE: Of course “Lakshmi” earns less money than men doing the same work. Women are, on average, shorter than men. Furthermore, women have a greater life expectancy. They therefore have more earning potential!

women workingThe wage discrepancy is more than offset with the money women can make—without any male competition!—during those peak employment years between the ages of 76 and 81. We poor, fragile men have to earn what money we can while we are still alive.

You think that’s not reason enough? Fewer men populate the United States than women. Taken collectively, men make the same amount as all women combined, probably.

It’s just like how the wealth of the masses is balanced out by a very few rich folks. The rich HAVE to hoard a lot of money to offset the billions, if not thousands, of dollars that all the poorer people spread among themselves.

It’s time ladies like “Lakshmi” realize they are part of the majority power in this country. They need to stop seizing control from those minority individuals who enjoy less life and, therefore, less liberty and happiness.

So get with it, “Lakshmi.” Speaking of equal distributions…


“Flor-Mart” is a moderately successful multi-billion dollar company. It stimulates the economy in all the places it likes being stimulated. It employs countless “Biffs” and “Lakshmis” who cannot afford college, and it pays them commensurate with their life expectancies. “Flor-Mart” is an upstanding citizen, according to the Supreme Court and everything.

But certain campaign staffers compose nasty emails that propose taking away “Flor-Mart’s” right to engage in the democratic process. They want to limit “Flor-Mart’s” ability to speak its mind. They even want to belittle “Flor-Mart’s” personhood, as if “Flor-Mart” is an undocumented immigrant or an unconceived fetus.

walmart parking lotHOT TAKE: You probably have stuff you want to do with your life, right? Raise children, go camping, watch Netflix, buy beer for your favorite columnist. But those things take time, and you do not have time. Enter Flor-Mart! Corporate individuals like Flor-Mart make all the meaningless decisions for you so you don’t have to. They streamline your options for what food to eat, which celebrities to gossip about, what clothes are available to wear, which events the news media covers, and which creation myths to study in school.

These favors enable a Responsible Citizenry to live free lives! This streamlined divestment is the greatest public service since Sesame Street—which, by the way, has always been funded by corporations. That’s because you can’t trust the government’s motives when it funds public services. Know who you can trust, who doesn’t have any interest in profiting off basic public services? Corporations!

Stay strong, “Flor-Mart.” With your example, we are set to vote in next year’s election. Please email me when it’s over.


This Fool’s Gold originally appeared in The KC Post.

(Featured image of coins copyright KMR Photography/CC. Women working copyright State Library Victoria Collections/CC. Parking lot copyright Walmart/CC.)


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